i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.