batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
