I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
