Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
