i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
