If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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