Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
