just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize