I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other