omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
