Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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