Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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