dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
