It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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