just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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