Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
