I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts