my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dear god my vagina.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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