so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
