I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
