So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
