i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
