So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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