I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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