I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize
