i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
