ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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