Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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