She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
