pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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