I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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