Can Purell be used as lube?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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