He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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