When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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