God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
