First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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