I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
