i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
