Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
