my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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