non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
