You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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