what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
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You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
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You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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