ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
