I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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