Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
