she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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