Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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