so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
