Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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