I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
