Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
