Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
