i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
