I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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