Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
