you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
