I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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