The maid of honor just puked.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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