Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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